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If an alien had picked this exact time to plop onto planet Earth, and if that alien happened to land in a country called the United States, perhaps near the federal courthouse here on Golden Gate Avenue, that alien might wonder what fresh conundrum these earthlings had laid bare.

That alien might first stop at the shouting blob with their cameras and notebooks and listen into a huddle in which a statement was read about how the government was gratified that a jury had found one of its peers — a buff, striking man named Barry Lamar Bonds — guilty of obstruction of justice. The case had just ended after nearly three weeks of graphic testimony about testicle shrinkage and parking lot injections and betrayal and complicated scientific jargon, but now U.S. Attorney Melinda Haag was saying the case was really “about upholding one of the most fundamental principles in our system of justice—the obligation of every witness to provide truthful and direct testimony in judicial proceedings.

“In the United States, taking an oath and promising to testify truthfully is a serious matter. We cannot ignore those who choose instead to obstruct justice,” she said in the statement, and the alien would probably think these words crystallized perfectly all he had heard about this glorious country and its grand theory of justice, and the idea that no citizen, not even the wealthy or famous, deserves special treatment.

But then, on another courthouse step, the alien would come upon Allen Ruby, a man who used to be a pro wrestler who performed in county fairs while wearing a cape or mask. Ruby is now Bonds’ attorney, and in a booming voice he insisted the government had done little more than “determine it’s unlawful for Barry Bonds to tell the grand jury he’s a celebrity child and to talk about his friendship with Greg Anderson.” The alien couldn’t help notice all the lawyers behind Bonds grinning tightly, as if they had just swallowed something that didn’t taste quite right.

The alien would see MLB Bonds refuse comment, but then, when someone from the bulging crowd screamed something nice, Bonds flashed a two-fingered V sign, and if that alien knew anything about American history, he might have had flashbacks to a certain disgraced U.S. president leaving public office. The alien might have looked up the word “hubris,” considering Bonds was now the lone member of the steroid era to be convicted of any federal felony connected to illegal performance enhancing drugs.

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Barry Bonds’ lawyers say he is being persecuted, not prosecuted. They are half-right.

Bonds deserves whatever shame the government can muster. Assuming he is capable of feeling shame, that is.

But there is something unjust about baseball’s all-time asterisk king being paraded out and tried in the public square. The people who most enabled Bonds are not getting roasted.

Bud Selig is still in the MLB commissioner’s office, hoping nobody is paying attention to what’s going on in the San Francisco courtroom. Don Fehr is now running the NHL’s union, hoping nobody can pin hockey’s upsurge in violence on roid rage.

Together with Bonds, they are the faces of baseball’s lost, crooked and acne-scarred generation.

“The Three Musketeers,” prosecutor Matt Parrella said.

He was actually referring to Bonds and his BALCO buddies Victor Conte and Greg Anderson. But we wouldn’t even be having this dog-and-syringe show if not for Selig and Fehr.

Bonds is charged with perjury for allegedly lying to a grand jury. He’s not on trial for taking steroids, though that distinction is lost on the general public. Not that it really matters.

Everybody’s mind was made up about Barry long ago. You either believe he did enough steroids to kill Motley Crue. Or you believe Bonds, in which case the Flat Earth Society has a membership waiting for you.

The big question in the next month of court action won’t be whether Bonds juiced. It will be whether the jurors will be able to stifle their giggling as his team of 329 lawyers claim Barry was just blithely following Anderson’s advice.

As he transformed into Mr. Potato Head with 22-inch biceps, Bonds never thought to ask his Svengali trainer, “You sure I’m just taking flaxseed oil and something for my arthritis?”

Hey, the defense might work. Bonds’ lawyers are echoing much of the public when they say it’s past time to move on. The witch hunt is a waste of taxpayer millions. Poor Barry has suffered enough.

No he hasn’t. The United States vs. Barry Lamar Bonds is a good investment on its symbolism alone.

America’s pastime was turned into a fraud. Anything that humiliates the guilty and reminds us how sordid things became is worth pursuing. The big disappointment is that the government couldn’t figure out a way to put Selig and Fehr on the stand.

Oh to have seen Selig say under oath that he had noooo clue steroids even existed until the mid-1990s. And it wasn’t his dithering that allowed nothing to be done for years (or until baseball revived itself on the corked bodies of Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa). It was the union’s fault!

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Major League Baseball commissioner said Tuesday he does not expect to be called as a witness in either Barry Bonds’ or Roger Clemens’ pending federal perjury trials.

Selig, appearing as a guest on Dan Patrick’s radio/television talk show, said he was “saddened” by the indictments against Clemens and Bonds, but added that the two former players’ cases aren’t matters for baseball.

“Those are cases between those people and the government and really have nothing to do with baseball, per se,” said Selig.

Clemens, who was indicted Monday in Washington, faces charges that he lied to Congress in testimony about his alleged use of steroids, while Bonds is accused of lying to a federal grand jury, also about performance-enhancing drug usage. Both are scheduled to be tried early next year. Read More >>

With a focus on fighting performance enhancing drugs, officials from all facets of professional sports including those from the MLB met with the Drug Enforcement Administration held at the Office of the MLB Commissioner, Bud Selig in Milwaukee. The forth said meeting hosted by the MLB as the sport most affected by scandal as well as others looking to avoid further issues.

Among those attending included Bud Selig and Dan Mullin, Senior Vice President of Major League Baseball’s Department of Investigations, represented Major League Baseball.

“Major League Baseball is very pleased that these joint meetings with the Drug Enforcement Administration have been so beneficial for each of the organizations in attendance,” said Commissioner Selig. “The shared resources and the collaborative nature of the relationship between our leagues and the government are essential to the long-term efforts to rid sports of performance-enhancing substances. Our game will always remain vigilant on all fronts in the fight against performance-enhancing drugs.” Read More >>

Admitting that he used human-growth hormone going into the 2003 season, but for a different reason then one initailly asumes when hearing about baseball and performance enhancing drugs. Jim Parque admitted to taking HGH but said he used it to overcome a shoulder injury.

The former pitcher for the White Sox and Tampa Bay admitted, “I’m Jim Parque, former major-league pitcher, and I took human growth hormone.”

“With my career in jeopardy, I turned to performance-enhancing drugs, like some other players did,” Parque wrote for the Sun-Times. “I never had needed them before, but with a shoulder that wouldn’t heal, it was realistically the only thing I could turn to.”

But certainly in the case of Jim Parque, it is being looked at as if he came forward, and admitted something that he had felt guilty about. As if it is more noble.

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